True Love: Myth, Legend, or Reality

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 15:05:26 -0600

Is there such a thing as “True Love”? Picture what love looks like in the movies: images of couples gazing longingly into each other’s eyes come to mind. Cinematic romance is sparked by a chemical jolt, when two strangers meet by chance and fall in “love at first sight.” This scene is followed by a montage of the happy couple dining in romantic restaurants, traveling to glamorous or beautiful places, anticipating their first kiss, and on and on. Oftentimes, our idea (or ideal) of love is intertwined with our idea of romance. But, romance and love are really two different processes or stages in a relationship. In fact, a university in Italy has found that romantic love is a biochemical experience which lasts only about a year. Certain chemicals in the brain actually fuel the strong feelings of passion, dependence, and euphoria which we often feel in the beginning of a relationship. What happens when that year is up may be the best indicator of “True Love”, or that long and lasting commitment between two people which weathers years of trials as well as triumphs.

So if romantic love is comprised of fireworks and candle-lit dinners, what makes “True Love”, well, true? The answer might seem decidedly unromantic. “True Love” is measured by the amount and depth of forgiveness, compassion, patience, and tolerance between two people. These are the foundations of true love. Forgiveness is a partner’s ability to stop feeling resentment, indignation, or anger caused by the other’s faults, mistakes, or actions. For example, couples have been able to recover from relationship breaches caused by the emotional or health problems experienced by one or both partners, or even by insults, infidelity or deceit. For recovery to take place, both couples must be willing to put their own needs, disappointments, hurt, and ego aside in order to re-establish trust and closeness. Forgiveness makes space in a relationship for true love.

Compassion in a relationship comes from empathy. Compassion, like forgiveness, involves putting aside one’s own agenda in order to relate fully and openly to the other and gives rise to the desire to alleviate another’s suffering. An example of compassion in a relationship might look like this: John gets fired from his job for not making his sales numbers. His wife, Judy, was counting on taking a vacation to the Bahamas that summer and buying a new family car in the next few months. John comes home one evening and tells Judy that he was fired and that their vacation and car-buying plans have to be postponed until John can find a new job. Judy can show compassion by putting aside her own agenda (car, vacation) and try to understand that John probably feels that he has let her down and may feel like a failure for getting fired (empathy). She may, instead of yelling at John or showing her disappointment about the postponement of her own agenda, ask what she can do for John to help him recover from this emotional experience (desire to alleviate suffering).

Patience involves understanding that others will make mistakes, will not be perfect, and need time to figure things out. Patience involves putting aside our own needs long enough to let someone else catch up to us. Patience involves stopping to think and feel about the other person before complaining or demanding. It involves waiting for change to happen without demanding that it happen on our own timeframe.

Finally, along with forgiveness, compassion, and patience, when tolerance is present in a relationship “true love” can flourish. Tolerance is a word that is used a great deal. It involves accepting and allowing for another’s differences. Tolerance allows us to have a fair and objective attitude toward others. By showing tolerance, we provide respect for our partners and through tolerance and respect we can maintain an attitude of flexibility in a relationship. Flexibility in turn allows us to balance our needs and agendas with those of our partner and to give as well as take.

Essentially, “True Love” does not simply happen based on chemistry or romance. True love is grown from the seeds of forgiveness, compassion, patience, and tolerance. True love is like a carrot seed. It is a delicate thing that must be given care and nurturing to grow. The farmer does not demand that the carrot seed spring up from the ground ready to eat. The farmer knows that he must understand the needs of the seed and put the needs of his precious seed before his own. He must give the seed sun and a protective environment in rich soil. He must water the seed and pull out weeds that might stunt its growth. In the end, what the farmer reaps from his months of toil is a healthy food that in turn nurtures the farmer and his family. For those of us in relationships, we are like farmers. We must also work hard for our relationship, like the farmer works for his crop. It is up to each of us to provide the type of nurturing environment that will allow true love to grow.

School Implications of Asperger Syndrome

Fri, 1 May 2009 11:17:16 -0500

In academic areas, children with Asperger Syndrome typically have uneven and sometimes widely scattered profiles, with significant strengths in some areas of functioning and significant deficits in others. Most often, strengths lie in areas that require rote memory (facts, formulas). Weaknesses lie in areas requiring comprehension of cause and effect and more abstract reasoning. Children with AS may have areas where their knowledge, expertise, and capacity for detail are astounding. However, this stands in striking contrast to their inability to perform everyday tasks or functions.

Although children with AS have average or well above to superior level cognitive functioning, intelligence by itself is not enough to succeed in school. Children with AS have particular difficulty with the school setting. They typically require accommodations in the form of teaching style, behavior support, and social supports. Curriculum modifications are sometimes necessary. There is no one method or recipe which works with all students with AS, so adults must be flexible and creative.

1. Social supports and social skills development need to be an ongoing part of educational planning. Children with AS are frequently targets for bullies, and some degree of protection is mandatory, especially in secondary school. Preparation of neuro-typical peers to help them understand handicapped children’s abilities and disabilities often facilitates more acceptance, and give the child with AS better behavior models.
2. Classes need a high degree of structure, with a consistent routine and a positive approach to behavior.  
3. Academic difficulty can have many causes:
a. The subject is not in an area of interest, and the child does not do the work required to learn the material.
b. The child is trying, but does not understand what the teacher wants
c. He may know the facts, but fails to understand the concepts surrounding the facts.
d. He may have difficulty with the higher level reasoning required in secondary school.
e. He may have an untreated attention disorder.
f. He may have a secondary emotional disorder, like anxiety or depression which interferes with learning.

1. Asperger Syndrome does not prevent an individual from having emotional disorders. Anxiety is very common, and makes all of the problems associated with AS worse. Depression is also fairly common during adolescence. This aggravates the social disorder and may eliminate motivation to work in subjects of low interest. Both anxiety and depression may result in increased irritability, lower frustration tolerance, and increased “meltdowns.” 
2. Educational placement requires innovation and flexibility. The intellectual abilities of children with AS may allow them to function academically within a general education classroom. However, their behavior often requires a more restrictive setting. 
3. Accomodations may be necessary for sensory issues. A quiet, isolated work area should be available when needed. Be aware of the cumulative impact of sensory stimuli and social pressure over the course of the day. Physical education is often difficult because of low structure, limited supervision, the social nature of games, the child’s poor coordination, and the noise and physical contact associated with sports. Modified PE or adapted PE services are often necessary. 
4. Areas where a child can choose to isolate himself to calm down should be available in all academic settings. A “safe” staff member should also be identified to help the child calm down when he cannot calm himself. 
5. Children who do well in elementary school often have difficulty during secondary school. This may be the result of a variety of factors:
a. More classes, more students, more social pressure
b. Higher levels of reasoning required for academic success
c. More variables in daily schedule
d. Greater requirements for independence
e. The student is more aware of and unhappy about his social isolations
f. Decreased sensitivity of peers
g. Hormones

1. Secondary school students may require more individual assistance, academic accommodations, and sometimes modification of parts of the curriculum. Curriculum adaptations must be carefully planned and highly individualized. 
2. The secondary school curriculum may need to include instruction in living skills, community skills, and pre-vocational skills. This is true even if the child plans to attend college. 
3. Direct instruction is required in areas of weakness. 
4. The student’s skill level, and generalizations of those skills must be frequently assessed.

Asperger’s Syndrome

Wed, 1 Apr 2009 09:57:20 -0500

What It Is
Asperger's Syndrome is a neurological disorder that, like others on the spectrum, is marked by difficulties in communication and social interaction.

How it's similar to classic autism
According to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, children with Asperger's Syndrome find it difficult to identify and express their feelings, just like those with classic autism. They find it challenging, even impossible, to connect with others, often don't hold eye contact and have trouble reading other people's faces and gestures. Many kids flap their hands, a behavior often associated with classic autism; speak without much emotion (or have otherwise unusual speech patterns); need to follow schedules rigidly or else the world feels out of control, and are intensely, even obsessively, interested in one specific subject, so much that they become veritable experts in that field. They also exhibit sensitivities to various stimuli, from sounds to clothing to food items.

How diagnosis differs
Compared with classic autism, children with Asperger's Syndrome usually don't show any signs of major cognitive difficulties — their IQ falls in the normal or even superior range—and they exhibit few, if any, delays in speaking. They also generally hit most of their milestones within reasonable time periods. Because of this, some describe children with this condition as “high-functioning” or as having a “mild” form of autism, at least compared to others on the spectrum. To many, they may seem just like other children but not quite — socially awkward in a manner that's not easily understood.

This explains why healthcare providers may miss seeing it in their young patients, or may misdiagnose it completely. Or why some parents don't seek help until much later than those whose kids display a more profound or more obvious set of symptoms.

What To Do About It

Treatments
Fashioning an approach to manage the condition is a highly personal one that requires the input of everyone on your child's healthcare team, including doctors, psychologists, teachers and parents. Many parents wind up with a multi-pronged approach to treating Asperger's Syndrome, choosing regimens and strategies that address their children's main challenge: inability to connect with others. To this end, they may combine such varied modes of treatment as:

Floortime, sensory integration therapy, pragmatic language training
Social skills training, which, as the name suggests, teaches children the how-tos of social interaction that come naturally to other kids but not to them.

Alternative therapies, which could run the gamut from hippotherapy,which has kids riding horses to improve their coordination, to martial arts therapy, which also targets their mobility

Medications (which may include anti-depressants)

How to Cope
You'll need the love and support of friends and family to be able to take on the daily challenges of raising a child with Asperger's Syndrome, which will be many. Life for you may mean hopping aboard a rollercoaster that will give you bright hopeful peaks followed by dreary, even stomach-churning, lows. Know that the whole of it — the joys and strains — are part of the journey, and that it's okay to seek help. That may come in the form of extra household help, additional doctors or, even, a vacation to get away from it all. Know that Asperger's does not have to defeat your child. Look to his other successes: Is he a graceful swimmer? An impressive musician? A hardworking student? All of these gifts define him, too.

Structure is important to children on the spectrum, and even more so for those with Asperger's Syndrome, as it makes them feel secure and grounded. Unfamiliar social situations unnerve them, as they test their ability to adapt, so it's best to allow for time so they can prepare for what lies ahead of them. Talk to your child about what to expect and give him the help he needs so he learns how best to handle the circumstances before him.

As children grow older and become more aware of the limitations that their condition has placed upon them, it may be helpful for them to receive counseling with a therapist trained in dealing with pervasive developmental disorders. As difficult as it is for parents to go through this journey, it's even harder for the children themselves who have to work through their own personal challenges and other people's ignorance as they make their way in the world.

How to Grow With It

Teens & Adults
As with many others on the spectrum, those with Asperger's Syndrome often find the adolescent years to be a thicket of emotions that becomes unnavigable in ways they just don't understand. Unable to relate to other teenagers and their befuddling social rules, not to mention their emotions that yo-yo up and down, they may wind up isolated and overwhelmed and most certainly misunderstood. As they grow older, they'll encounter more challenges romantically, though they may be able to relay their expertise and intellectual abilities into success in the workplace. Nevertheless, with the right mix of therapies and constant support from their friends and families, teens and adults with Asperger's Syndrome are able to forge relationships with others on their own terms and carve a place of their own in the world.

Long-Term Care
First, the good news: Your child will likely be able to live independently, earning a living and taking care of their needs. That said, social relationships may always be minefields, and as such, will continue to be a source of frustration and, for some, despair. With this in mind, it may be beneficial to have a therapist or counselor familiar with the condition be available to help your child as he ages and encounters increasingly complex relationships that give way to equally complex emotions and situations.